The Argentine writer Ernesto Sabato used to say that the phrase “everything in the past was better” does not mean that fewer bad things happened before, but rather that —fortunately— people tend to forget about them. As we age, sometimes we consider that what we have lived and built is better than the present.
While today many seniors are beginning to experience new sensations, change friends, try new things, and have opportunities and life expectations under conditions they have never had before, it is also easy to get stuck in nostalgia for what our lives were like when we were younger. The ideal scenario is that when we talk about “our times,” they are everyone's times. Widening our perspective, creating a more welcoming space without prejudice, without getting angry or complaining so much because “things are not what they used to be” seems like a good practice for intergenerational coexistence, according to experts.
Was any time in the past better?
Sociologist Juan Carlos Jiménez, researcher and professor at CEU San Pablo University, argues that “we tend to dilute the worst moments a lot and, at the same time, only remember the good elements of the past, how committed we were, how much we fought, how motivated we were.” However, the expert acknowledges that if we were more objective, we would realize that “not all of us have done as interesting things as it seems, nor were those times without problems.”
This relationship with the past is something normal and natural, as the professor says, in order to introduce elements of change in each era, “there must be a certain generational rupture.” In general, young people are the ones who stimulate change, while older people tend to be more resistant to it. “This happens because their lives are more settled, structured, and change is seen as something fluid, more difficult to understand, and as a space of uncertainty. We look suspiciously at young people, because they take away our space of confidence,” the expert believes. However, this is not new. “It has been this way for the past 2000 years,” he asserts.
We look suspiciously at young people because they take away our space of confidence. It has been like this for the past 2000 years”
It is worth making a clarification. According to Esther Camacho Ortega, psychogerontologist and coordinator of the group for the Promotion of Good Treatment for Elderly People at the College of Psychologists of Madrid, “some older people may have a perception that the past was better due to the nostalgic process of remembering significant moments, but we have to be very clear that this does not represent everyone.”
Therefore, the specialist considers that associating that phrase exclusively with seniors does not reflect their diversity. “It perpetuates ideas that may invalidate their current role as active and resilient agents in society.” In fact, there are many older individuals who actively participate, value technological and medical advancements, and continue to contribute in relevant roles. “Nostalgia should not be confused with a denial of the present,” the expert clarifies.
To become grumpy
Sometimes, families feel that their elders become grumpy, uncompromising, finicky. “Nowadays you can't say anything to young people. When I was a kid, we respected our elders, did as we were told, had to hit the books at school, get up early, study and work hard, and if not, our parents put us in our place. I don't understand today's world: kids complaining about everything, glued to their phones, turning down jobs because they don't suit them and the idea of getting up early is Greek to them.”
Manuel V. (74 years old, Madrid) starts his daily walk in the countryside this way, to which he promptly goes first thing in the morning, accompanied by his dog. During the walk, he usually encounters other people walking their respective pets. As they already know him, no one says anything to him, although there is always someone trying to lighten the mood: “come on, Manuel, don't be grumpy so early in the morning.”
Investigating what lies behind that anger or discomfort sometimes leads to discovering that there may be pain, fear, loneliness, nostalgia, sadness, mourning for the loss of loved ones, social isolation, health problems, or the impact of negative stereotypes about themselves, all of which can manifest in various ways: low tolerance for changes and discomfort, a tendency to complain, to grumble, and even to not want to see anyone.
That's why the psychologist emphasizes that “irritability or apparent disinterest in social interaction may have roots in multiple factors.”
Irritability or apparent disinterest in social interaction can have roots in multiple factors”
Carmen, 52, takes care of Lola, 84, in a village in Zaragoza. She goes to Lola's house every day, accompanies her, reads together, goes out for a walk, and helps her with household chores. “For a few years now, I have noticed that she says everything that comes to her mind, without worrying about how it makes the other person feel. Especially with her grandchildren, when they come to visit her.” She criticizes their way of dressing and speaking, scolds them, and often ends up with a look of displeasure on her face saying, “kids these days are different.” Carmen calls it “speaking without filters or inhibitions.”
The psychologist points out that “as people age, some may feel less need to conform to social expectations and, instead, prioritize authenticity. This should not be interpreted as something negative, but as a reflection of their experience and self-confidence.” The expert also adds that it is essential to differentiate between physiological changes and personal choices. “In certain cases, changes in the brain associated with aging or specific pathologies, such as frontotemporal dementia, can influence the inhibition of certain behaviors.”
Some ideas to adjust to the times
Gerontological psychologist warns that “it is important to note that not all older adults have to or should feel obligated to adapt to a present that can sometimes be hostile or excluding for them.” In fact, the UN states that adaptation “should be a personal choice supported by an inclusive and respectful environment, not an imposition based on unrealistic social expectations.”
Therefore, the specialist emphasizes that “the issue does not lie in the supposed lack of adaptation by seniors, but in the structural barriers that perpetuate exclusion.” She points out that many older people are already integrated into the use of technologies, leading community initiatives or actively participating in their communities. However, opportunities are not equal for everyone: factors such as access to economic resources, education, health, and social support have a significant influence. That's why Camacho highlights the importance of society working to eliminate these barriers. “As the WHO rightly points out, progress should benefit all ages and not leave anyone behind,” she concludes.
The problem lies not in the supposed lack of adaptation of seniors, but in the structural barriers that perpetuate exclusion”
On his part, Juan Carlos Jiménez reflects from a sociological perspective on how to create a more welcoming space where not only the successes of the senior generations are seen, nor only the mistakes of the new ones, but also in a bidirectional manner.
Connecting with the younger generation
As a university professor teaching students aged 18 to 20, he cannot deny that he sees them light years ahead in their thoughts and actions. However, at 60 years old, Jiménez acknowledges that every day with them enriches him professionally and personally: “When you reach a certain age, your task is to make your experience a useful tool for life. In the classroom, I realize that being with them is very rewarding: they are open, welcoming, there is mutual understanding.”
Two essential keys: mutual understanding and tolerance
The teacher advises older people to remember, understand, and tolerate the mistakes of the younger ones, which are typical of people who are just starting to live. “They say strange things, yes; they do things that seem absurd to us, as well. But, if we look back, we will remember that we also did things that terrified our parents and grandparents. It is a natural stage of maturation.”
If we look back, we will remember that we also did things that horrified our parents and grandparents”
The professor also admits that nowadays this phase lasts longer, life is more comfortable, they spend more time in the family nest, they become independent later, so “maybe, to a 60-year-old person, an 18 or 20-year-old seems like a kid. But if we understand that they have the obligation, right, and need to express their points of view, to say and do their strange and absurd things, because it's part of learning, we will be creating a space of understanding.
Jiménez believes that for this to happen, understanding must also go in the other direction: young people must also understand that seniors have their own ways of seeing the world, that they have a wealth of experience that does not diminish the strength of the youth but complements it. “If we can articulate a mechanism of mutual intergenerational understanding, it would be one of the fundamental elements to continue creating spaces for coexistence. In our society, we have several different generations living together, with different interests, aspirations, and perspectives, so we must understand the drive of the young people and that they should take their place, and they, in turn, must understand that at 60 years old or more, we have not stopped being individuals, nor have we lost those interests or stopped living.”
In line with mutual understanding, the expert rejects the idea of categorizing all young people as misunderstood individuals who do not integrate into the society we want, or as all being criminals (“there are also grandparents who are despicable: there is a bit of everything in all spaces”), and that when “they want to break into our customs, we tend to generate a certain rejection,” he says. “We have ideas of people's collectivization that bring us stereotypes that are very far from reality,” he comments.
Opening our eyes, creating a more welcoming space, without prejudice, without getting angry or complaining so much because “nothing is like it used to be” seems like a good practice for intergenerational coexistence
Discovering your values, even if they're not the same as before
She also questions the idea that the new generations lack values. “They do have them, but they lean towards more abstract aspects like ecology or equality,” she points out. Evangelina, a retired lawyer at 71, has realized this. She wanted to make her way into the world of adolescents and get to know her grandchildren better: 11, 14, 16, and 17 years old. “We have a mistaken idea that young people are a lost generation, that they don't do anything, that they don't make an effort, that they're all bad, that they are NEETs. The news we've received after the cold drop tragedy has shown how many of them can be so supportive. It's one of their great values,” she says.
We have a mistaken idea that young people are a lost generation (...). The news we have received after the cold drop tragedy has shown how supportive they can be”
Looking back and engaging in self-criticism
The sociologist invites seniors to spend time with their children and grandchildren and remember what they were like when they were young. “Today we are shocked by the music, for example,” says the expert. “We listen to their reggaeton, with its melody and lyrics, and it seems to us that something is wrong, and we might even let out a 'how music has degenerated!'. However, we don't realize that when rock and roll emerged in the forties, our parents (and grandparents!) Saw it as a sign of the devil. So, we don't take the full view of looking back, we only see the present with our current perspective.”
Therefore, it is time to train in self-criticism. The fact that young people have certain common characteristics, whether we like it or not, is also related to how the older generation has shaped the landscape without adapting to their needs and interests. “Perhaps we have insisted too much on ideas that are not a problem for them. For example, we may have given special importance to the issue of freedom to a generation that lives freely and in freedom.” The expert believes that this discourse may sound exaggerated to them and cause them to reject or show indifference.
Refining how to convey messages
Therefore, the researcher emphasizes that we have to think about how we have conveyed certain values, which may have seemed to us to be already widely agreed upon or universally accepted, but that some young people not only do not perceive them, but react in opposition to them. “Perhaps we have conveyed them in an imposing and unrealistic way,” he reflects. He adds that if we believe this is the best possible system, for example, we must transmit it properly to the new generations so that they do not see it as unrealistic compared to their own experiences. “We must build trust,” he concludes.
For years, the expression that we are facing the first generations that will live worse than their parents has been echoing. “There is no reason for it to be this way, but young people are faced with the fact that a worker with a university degree will earn 900 euros, so they think that this system is deceiving them.” The expert believes that “seniors, who still lead this society, should reflect on how we can incorporate young people so that they feel better integrated, not only in quantitative terms (job placement) but also qualitatively (values, freedom, equality, etc.).”