A look of tranquility and a broad smile accompanies Nieves, 83. “I haven't just endured, I've lived my marriage considering that my husband and I are a unity formed by two individuals that complement each other,” affirms this Aragonese woman settled in Zaragoza, mother of six children, and married to Ramón for 63 years.
Many decades of living together where Nieves acknowledges that everything has happened; joys, losses, sadness, relocations, serious illnesses, economic and professional worries. Situations they have faced individually, but knowing and feeling completely supported by their spouse. “Happiness is an abstract and fleeting feeling when you experience it, so I prefer to say that we choose our suitable partner and form a harmonious marriage,” she assures, under the approving gaze of Ramón, 86.
I have not endured, we have fought together to keep alive what truly matters”
Nieves' words succinctly summarize the attitude and tools needed in the era of marital fragility to achieve a long-lasting union, according to experts studying couples' behavior. According to the American sociologist Karl Pillemer, author of the book 30 Lessons for Loving, choosing the right person is the key factor for a lasting relationship. “Essentially, people who have a fruitful and long marriage describe a feeling, almost tangible, of satisfaction and adequacy with their life partner choice,” he notes in his work, based on 700 interviews with senior couples.
Celebrating the golden wedding anniversary, which marks fifty years of marriage, seems nowadays a challenging goal to achieve. The marital fragility rate (number of divorces per one hundred weddings) exceeds 50% in Spain, according to the study published in March 2024 by the CEUS-CEFAS Demographic Observatory. And according to this same study, the vast majority of those who divorce are between 40 and 59 years old.
People who have a long marriage describe a feeling of satisfaction and contentment with their choice of life partner”
Figures and ages that coincide with what is recorded in the professional experience of Madrid-based clinical psychologist Lara Ferreiro, specialized in couples therapy. Throughout cohabitation, “love goes through several phases or different screens, using the language of video games,” she explains to La Vanguardia.
The third phase, after the screens of infatuation and tranquility, usually coincides with the twenty-year mark of marriage, and I identify it as the crisis screen. It is the moment where 7 out of 10 marriages fail, due to boredom, infidelities, and breakups. Those who survive these crises move on to the fourth screen, which is that of deep love. When the couple that has successfully gone through various experiences becomes an almost indestructible unit," Ferreiro concludes.
The fourth stage is that of deep love, when the couple becomes an almost indestructible unit”
Choosing the right partner and committing to a lifetime together are essential requirements, but not sufficient to reach the stage of deep love, in psychological terms, or to a golden anniversary, in quantitative terms.
“In today's society, we have reached a point where relationships are trivialized, and at the first disagreement, the couple breaks up. There is currently a widespread idea that love is enough, and that is not true,” says Lara Ferreiro. “One must fight to maintain a relationship that is worth it.” And this is what mainly sets members of the so-called millennial generation apart from their parents and grandparents regarding their emotional relationships. “We have gone from putting up with everything, from abuse to mistreatment, to throwing in the towel as soon as the first disagreement appears,” adds the specialist.
Dedicating time to cultivate the relationship as a couple and maintaining constant and sincere communication where spouses can openly express their feelings “for better or for worse,” according to all the interviewees, are essential factors for becoming a long-lasting marriage by choice, not by obligation, experts maintain.
“When Mari Carmen and I got married in Barcelona 59 years ago,” recalls 86-year-old Francisco, “we did it with the belief that it was a commitment for life.” Of course, back then, there was no other option.
When Mari Carmen and I got married 59 years ago, we did it with the conviction that it was a commitment for life”
Choosing the right partner and accepting a lifelong commitment are essential requirements for a couple to last many decades
Although divorce has been legal since July 1981, for these couples it was never a desirable option. “Thanks to mutual respect and the freedom we have granted each other to develop our professional lives, we have managed to keep our marriage alive and interesting,” says Mari Carmen, 80. The fact that she decided to continue working outside the home after getting married and had the support of her husband was crucial for the survival of their bond.
Francisco, her husband, remembers that in the 1960s, that was a controversial decision: “There were people in my circle who criticized me for allowing my wife to keep working.” They both point out that this was one of the first opportunities the couple had to demonstrate that they prioritized mutual support and trust over social norms and others' opinions. “I have always wanted her to have independence and personal security, so I supported her to continue with her businesses, even if this meant she had to travel and spend time away from home,” he attests.
We have always been and still are good friends and companions”
This decision has forced them to be more creative when it comes to finding and enjoying moments together, they agree. Now that they are both retired, they continue to pursue different hobbies without this taking away time from their shared interests and friendships. “We have always been and still are good friends and companions. When we got married, we accepted a commitment for life, and to fulfill it we have learned that sometimes you have to compromise. Of course, we have had to compromise, but we have both compromised, sometimes him and sometimes me,” Mari Carmen summarizes.
According to repeatedly shared studies, the benefits of a long-lasting marriage are numerous and encompass different aspects of life, from health to social well-being. However, there are also numerous obstacles to overcome in order to reach that goal.
Ferreiro's first obstacle, in his opinion, is “the structural crisis,” in which partners discover that they have irreconcilable expectations and desires on important issues such as whether to have children or both partners working. “These couples are not going to survive; they have differences that are too profound to allow them to become a mature couple,” claims Ferreiro.
For some of the interviewees, this crisis came even before signing the marriage certificate. “Ramón and I had the worst crises during our three years of courtship,” confesses Nieves. “We started when I was 17 and he was 20. Back then, Ramón was very macho and controlling, so we broke off the engagement on two occasions.” These breakups made the boyfriend reflect, prompting him to stop conforming to the norms of the time and adopt a more considerate attitude towards her wishes and expectations.
Sometimes it has been my job to support and encourage Ramón when he has had professional problems, and he has always been by my side to help me overcome my illness”
Individual crises affecting only one member of the marriage, such as losing a job or a serious illness, are situations that test the resilience and viability of a couple at any stage of their life together. “These crises strengthen the bond of marriage if the person in crisis receives the necessary support and help from their spouse, or conversely, they can lead to a breakup if the other spouse is unable or unwilling to provide the necessary cooperation to overcome it,” says Ferreiro.
Understanding that a happy marriage does not mean being happy all the time is vital for the survival of couples. “There have been times when I had to support and encourage Ramón when he was facing professional challenges, and he has always been by my side when I needed him to overcome my own conflicts and illness,” Nieves recounts.
Francisco and Mari Carmen's health issues, which prevented the couple from having more than one child, brought them together in their commitment to raising and educating their only daughter jointly.
For 74-year-old Teresa, from Zaragoza, this crisis has arisen after 53 years of marriage, when her 82-year-old husband Luis was diagnosed with Alzheimer's a year ago. “We have spent many years living together where we have supported each other. And now it's my turn to move forward for both of us and show optimism, as he has done before,” she says. Although she breaks down at times, she cannot conceive of ceasing to care for her husband as long as her health and strength allow it, “just as he would have done for me.”
There are cyclical crises that tend to appear every five years and coincide with life changes of one or both members of the couple”
To make matters worse, in addition to the structural crisis and individual crises, according to the psychologist, there are also developmental crises. “These are cyclical crises that tend to occur every five years and coincide with life changes of one or both members of the couple.” The birth of children, a career change, the empty nest syndrome, or even retirement syndrome are some examples in which couples have to “reset” their relationship and make adjustments to adapt to these new situations.
In these moments of transition, understanding and using one or more of the so-called love languages - physical touch, words of affirmation, acts of service, quality time, and gift-giving - among spouses serves to reaffirm their commitment and confirm that for some, life is not only better with their partner, but inconceivable without them.